santol

written sept. 16:


Dad gave me a bunch of santol. I did not ask for it, but he went home carrying two kilos. He's really not the thoughtful type of person so it's not normal for him to buy me my favorite fruits, unless I ask him to. That gesture was really extraordinary. It was his peace offering. I just know...

The day before, he scolded me for not answering his calls and texts. I didn't mean for it to happen, its just that I was so busy doing something, my mobile phone was inside my bag and I did not hear the ring. He yelled and lectured me. Personally, it was fine. I mean I understand why he was acting that way and I'm not in the position to feel bad about it.



Today when I saw the santol, I wondered why all of a sudden, he bought those fruits when he went to Bulacan. Then, I came to realize he was trying to make friends with me and say sorry for what happened yesterday. Even though he did not tell me directly, I strongly believe that he wanted to make me feel how sorry he was.

I find my dad sweet for doing such thing. I feel that I am important and it really matters to him that we are in good terms and I am at ease. Although, the words were missing, the action was more than enough. I hope whoever I'm going to end up with someday will treat me like how I am valued by my father.

clueless

I thought the time has come to try again. But I think that I will forever remain the person as he perceived me to be - a close friend. The thought tickles my mind. Maybe because at some point, I was almost sure that I can be that girl who can make him happy. Too bad I assumed.

Am I willing to risk the friendship? Surprisingly, my answer is yes. For once in my life, I don't want to entertain my fears. Like my fear that he is still attached to that girl. I just want to nurture my feelings. I just want a chance to show that I can be vulnerable. Because as far as I can remember, I gave a cold shoulder in the past. As much as I wanted to open my doors, I hesitated. Right now, I just think that the feeling is deeper, more mature and sincere. I am able to say that coz compared before, now is more of what I can do for him that what he can do for me.

Until when will I hang on? That I don't know. I am really glad for what we have at present. Asking for more, is I think a bit of insane. He is the guy, and I'm just another girl.

truly

I’ve seen God in my mind and that’s a good sign. His face is familiar once more. Its been a long time since I can’t picture how he looks like. I believe that he has heard my cry. And he knew that no matter how wicked my mind is, my heart still longs to be with him. I want to unite with him again. I’m just taking it one step at a time. Someone told me, that if I just happen to take the first step, God will do the remaining 99 steps. Because of it I am hopeful that I can do this. I keep saying to myself that I don’t deserve Him anymore. How could I let myself say that? When in fact it was God who gave his life just to free my sins. I cannot promise anything right now. I already told Him that. But to know and feel that I long to return to His embrace is enough reason.

I’ve come to realize that I can’t go on living without God. He is the source of everything. I maybe able to get through life living it on my own terms, but I will always feel empty. I know that my wanting to come back to him is not an assurance that everything will be all right. I just trust that having him in my life is better. And although I know that the evil is still working at large to pull me away, I’ll try to tighten my grip. I’ll try to get past that boundary I’ve created between us. It’s not going to be easy because honestly, I’ve been backsliding.

An article I’ve read said that: “If you’ve lost your passion for God, then the way to get it back is not to work yourself into it; rather it’s to humbly ask God to give you that passion back.”, and that was all I needed to know to make myself understand why nothing worked in the efforts that I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m ready to tell the world that I’ve made a mistake when I walked away from God. All I’m hoping right now is that my heart will be cleansed and my spirit will be freed from sin. Slowly now, by God’s grace, I can see a light at the end of this detour.

Click this

issue

There are really days in our lives when we feel that the world has turn its back on us. Times when even our usual cheer-up schemes won't work. I just feel sad at the moment. It's because of some trouble in the office. I never thought something like it would happen. And apart from feeling down, it scares me so much more to think that I am part of the issue. This is my first time to experience the incident and when I was informed, I really didn't know what to say.

I'm devastated by the fact that a lot of damage has been done. What kind of a person would do such thing? I think he doesn't have a heart. He didn't even think of the bridges that would be burned and the hearts that would be scarred.

I am not sure if I still want to go to work. I'd like to take a breather. I can't go on working when I know that doubts has already clouded the place. This is really painful. My mind is in a limbo right now. On the other hand, for some reason I can still manage to remain composed because I take comfort, first in God and then, of someone who lends his ears whenever I talk.

omoide

Exactly six years ago...

I was able to wear something like this:






and I got the chance to be with these wonderful people:
















I've never forgotten... feels like it was just six months ago.

Sabishii desu... Aitai...